After three months of being virtually pain free at the end of 2018 things have steadily got worse over the last 4 weeks. Tonight i really struggled to complete a shortened walk of just over 3 kilometres. I was in so much pain when we finally got back to the house i had no alternative but to go back on the opiate painkillers. Thankfully i still have some left from May when i came off them after a lecture by the surgeon in Brighton. I have taken odd ones since but can see me being back on them full time for the time being until i can figure which direction to try next. Surely it’s not too much to ask to be able to walk 3 kilometres without being in agony when I return?
So where to next is the big question and one i really don’t know how to answer. The last time i was in such pain I finished up in hospital but in reality they don’t know what to make of me as no one there has experience of transgender patients. As i have said before, i realise that it’s me who is different, me who has indeed “messed with nature” but I remind you that “nature messed with me in the first place” above all, I didn’t choose to be born intersex, I didn’t choose to have breasts when i was growing up and I didn’t choose to have a massive supply of oestrogen for the majority of my teenage and adult life. I just want to lead a relatively pain free life, I don’t think that is too much to expect. I often think back to when i was in my teens dealing with the daily abuse both physical and mental which i suffered for being “the boy with breasts” the sad thing about is that i thought the breasts were my punishment for wishing i was a girl. I still don’t get why my parents chose not to tell me about my beginnings, it may well have sent me further off the rails than i already was but at least it would have given me some answers.
So i guess in the short term i will just as they say “keep taking the tablets” until i figure out what to do next, my crystal therapist keeps trying different things but as yet nothing is working. I’d love to think he is the solution, he talks so much sense but without the results it’s hard to justify keeping going to see him but I’ll give him a little while longer before i throw in the towel. At least i have a plentiful supply of opiates for the time being, they are the only thing which comes close to relieving the pain so it’s just as well!