24 hours back on home soil and my head is full of reflections of every kind. While Yorkshire is my ancestral home my heart is in Australia. My 2018 trip has been full of every type of emotion, some good some very tough.
The wedding of my stepdaughter Nikki was an amazing day, full of pride for the part I played in bringing her up. I was truly honoured to have been a part of it and having the opportunity to speak as her step parent. We had a bond right from the start which at the time blew me away because I was not particularly child friendly but as I said in my speech she captured my heart on Christmas Day 1990. It was lovely to spend my last evening them. The down side was that I was not with my best friend and soulmate, Denise, when she needed me and I regret not going back to Wales to support her. Hopefully I can make that up to her in some way by being the supporting partner she deserves now that I am back.
There have been some real high points while I have been in Yorkshire, I have caught up with lots of people I haven’t seen for many years, all of whom have welcomed me in my new self and been very supportive. There have been some outstanding comments from people, the two most notable being “how could you ever have been a boy” by one person after looking at me and the other “you make a lot better looking girl than you did a boy” by a person I haven’t seen for 15 years at least and while that could be taken as a bit of a back handed compliment I took it as a compliment nonetheless.
There have however been some very tough moments, the hardest was probably on Sunday afternoon in Harpham churchyard after the scattering of the ashes of my mother’s best friend Pat Webster. I stared at the grave of my parents and can’t describe the emotions I felt, I so wanted to ask them why. Why didn’t they tell me of my beginnings? Why did they watch me struggle through school being bullied and teased? Why did they take me to two different specialists to try and explain my severe gynecomastia (when they already knew the reason for it)? Finally why did they not do as the second specialist told my father to do (i.e. tell me) after he had asked my father why he had brought his child to see him when he knew why I was having problems. It all hurts so much and there are tears in my eyes writing this. The fact that my brother won’t talk about it hurts me even more.
Then there was Denise’s mum’s funeral. As funerals go it was the perfect tribute to a wonderful lady with whom I had a real connection from the start. It was a true celebration of her life and a tribute her true spirit, that of a battler and strong lady for whom I had great respect and love. I couldn’t help but make comparisons between Doreen and my own mother. If I had had the same sort of relationship with my mother as I had with Doreen my life could have been completely different.
My visit to the surgeon in Brighton, I feel, was a success. He spoke a great deal of sense and said he would be happy to carry out further surgery on me if required. He said I have a 50/50 chance of needing it and having a positive next step is comforting for me. Hopefully I will continue to heal and everything will be fine, and while it isn’t fully the result I had hoped for I need to get my life back on track, finish the Nannup project and start enjoying my life as Stephanie with Denise.
While there have been lots of setbacks, receiving the comments and support that I have had in the UK makes it all worthwhile along with the amazing support I have had from our many friends at home. As a friend commented on my Facebook post earlier, you will never please all of the people all of the time and family are the hardest to please, so just enjoy being who you are and enjoy all the friends who you care for and who care for you.