So it’s day four post op and Sunday here in Ardmore, for three days I haven’t moved far from my bed apart from the occasional visit to the kitchen or the bathroom. To be perfectly honest it’s just not me, I don’t do sitting around doing nothing and apart from the mental side of things I find either laying in bed or sitting up in bed to be very uncomfortable after a few hours if I’m not asleep. Anyway that will be the way it is until Wednesday when I will have my catheter and drain removed So won’t feel as though I am on a lead all the time. That said, neither are uncomfortable and I must say not having to get up to go to the bathroom every few hours is a bonus at the moment.
One very big and pleasant surprise since leaving the hospital is the level of pain I have been in, virtually none at all, on a scale of one to ten it would have been a one or maybe two on the odd occasion which given the procedures I had done I think is very acceptable. I did however make on with the morphine pump before it was removed at 6am on Thursday morning, I woke at 4.15 and used it 5 times in the next hour and a half regardless of need which was probably still circulating around in my blood stream for some time after. I think it would be fair to say I was on a huge high once I recovered from the horrendous taxi ride home from the hospital, very little pain, the euphoria of surviving another round of surgery and coming out the other side and the seemingly incredible results from it. Not to mention the gorgeous welcoming we received from Kami when we arrived back, however, yesterday was not so good, still not much pain, but a nagging headache and for some reason my head was not in the best space. It probably didn’t help when I was going through photos on my phone and came across one from my god daughter’s wedding in May 2016, it was a lovely one of Denise and me in a lovely setting on a lovely day, I enlarged it to just having me on it and said to Denise “what happened to that grey haired old guy you used to be with”. I felt exactly that – as much as it was a nice photo, I was not the person I am now, far from it indeed. You can actually see the stress on my face and my hair is totally grey. It was at a time when I was in my most mixed up state and knew deep down inside that I needed to fix the issues going on in my head one way or another. The sad thing about it is that when I showed it to Denise it upset her, partly because she loved me as Robin even though our relationship is ten times stronger now than it was then but also because she knew how tormented I was at that time and how close to the bottom of the downward spiral I actually was. That in turn upset me and I became very emotional and tearful. It’s a period of my life that I simply would not have survived without Denise by my side, she encouraged and nurtured me through it and indeed it was Denise who by just asking the question about transitioning that pushed me to start the ball rolling, the ball which made me the person I am today, the ball which took away the torment and gave me a level of peace in my head which I had never experienced in the first 55 years of my life.
The other thing contributing to the low yesterday was the fact that the mons area on which Kathy used liposuction to remove the scar tissue and other offending material has swollen up again. This to me is probably the most important part of the treatment, it is the one thing which has caused me pain and discomfort since day one in May as every time I sit down there is an unpleasant sensation which feels as though it is being pushed upwards into the clitoral area and with great pressure. I think it’s fair to say I overreacted, yes it’s still swollen this morning but I read on another surgeon’s post that swelling after liposuction is common and can last several weeks before settling down so am not so stressed about it today.
That brings me to the final part of my post today, expectations. I have always had very high expectations in everything I do. This could be work related, especially when I was in the U.K. and MG Rover were on fire. If we sold 20 cars a week I wanted 30 and indeed expected it and I am my own harshest critic. If things don’t work the way they should I hate it, I have been like this all my life, I just don’t do average, it’s not the way I am! The recovery from the first surgery was a perfect example. I know I expected too much of myself and my body. It was difficult to know what to expect as I hadn’t had any surgery since I was 10 years old but my GP told me, my psychologist told me, Denise and many of my friends told me not to expect so much of both my body and my mental state but it’s very hard not to when it’s the way you live your life. Thankfully I have had all the best people around me to pick up the pieces when things have gone astray during the last 16 months or so since making the decision to transition, to them I am truly thankful for continually keeping me heading in the right direction albeit maybe at a slower pace!