Month: November 2018

It being me!

This week has had it’s ups and downs. Wednesday was a particularly tough day in many ways, partly due to the way I push myself to the limits and partly because of some test results which were not as I’d hoped and brought back lots of very unpleasant memories.

Late in 2008 as we had been in Australia for two of the four years on my 457 visa we applied for permanent residency. My job was going well, we had made lots of friends and in general life was as good as it was ever going to be while I was not the person my heart knew I should have been. Unfortunately as part of the medical needed for the visa I had to have a chest X-ray, nothing difficult about that until the guy doing takes it too high and it revealed a mass of something in my throat. The doctor handling the medical was seemingly convinced that it was serious and needed surgery to remove what he surmised was a cancerous thyroid. He sent me to a surgeon who was rude, flippant and down right unpleasant, he too told me that my thyroid needed removing straight away before it spread. My then wife was having none of it and told me when we got back into the car that he was not touching me and she would find someone else. To her credit she did exactly that, a lady in Perth who specialised in thyroid surgery but was adamant that it was a last resort and that lots of surgeons remove thyroids unnecessarily as there are lots of other ways to deal with the issue. She asked us to go the the hospital where she operated from and have some tests, I enquired what the tests were and she mentioned a CT scan and possibly a biopsy. She wanted me there at 7.30 am and allocated a room on site so we didn’t have to travel up very early in the morning. I was concerned about what lay ahead for me but nothing could have possibly prepared me for that day. The CT scan was bad enough, for some reason I had to be at a very strange angle, almost upside down while they filled me full of contrast die, I thought it would never end but it got worse, a lot worse! I was informed I would need a biopsy, I am petrified of needles at the best of times but as my wife kept telling me it was necessary if we wanted to stay in Australia. I was taken into a small room where there were several people and lots of machinery. I took off my shirt and a guy who was seemingly in charge explained that the needle would be guided by ultrasound to the correct place for the biopsies to be taken. I questioned the biopsies word to which he replied that he would need to do several to make sure he got samples of every part of my thyroid. I panicked and burst into tears, I knew it wasn’t going to be fun. He then spent the next three hours taking thirty six biopsies from every possible angle. It was the worst day of my life to date without any exception. Three hours being told don’t swallow for the next five minutes and keep very still. Tears rolled down my face most of the time, the nurse at the side of me held my hand, I bet she wished she hadn’t as I squeezed it very hard at times.

The reason for telling this story is that on Wednesday it looked like it was all starting again, my thyroid is misbehaving despite having radioactive iodine treatment in 2012 and a biopsy was recommended. I thought of nothing else all day, it didn’t matter that I worked flat out all day to do a considerable job which I had quoted for in less time than I had allowed. Having these thoughts filling my head was probably not ideal while wielding a chainsaw! Consequently I didn’t sleep at all on Wednesday night, I even resorted to Tamazepam to try and get off but it didn’t help so I took another. When Denise got up for her walk I did manage a couple of hours but felt absolutely crap when I got up. This is where the caring people come in for which I am so thankful. First off I had an appointment with the crystal guy, immediately made a fool of myself and burst into tears, he was amazing, truly amazing. We talked for a while about what was going on in my life and how stress creates problems with the thyroid, he then got me to lie down while he proceeded to clear some blockages in the area of my throat and slowly draw them out of my body. It was unbelievable, he held a crystal above my throat for a while then I could have sworn he must have been touching my abdomen as it was a really strange feeling but his other hand was nowhere near me, something was moving for sure. He then went further down my body in order to get what ever it was out of my feet and I immediately felt a release. He then taped a piece of amazonite to me and said he wanted to see me in a week. Weird but remarkable, he was so kind to me, we talked about the stresses going on in my life and gave me some suggestions to help deal with them.

Next port of call was a massage appointment at our next but one neighbour. She could immediately see that I was not myself and rather than get straight on with the massage we had a cup of coffee and talked for a while. She held my hand as I told her the story of the surgeon lady in 2008/9 and we talked at length about a particular stress which has been ongoing for almost two years. When she did start the massage it was wonderful, she dealt with the knots in my shoulder which have been troubling me for some time and really got the blood flowing. A very pleasurable treatment indeed!

In the afternoon I had an appointment with my osteopath in Bunbury. It doesn’t matter how bad I feel when I see her I always leave feeling much better. Like the crystal guy you need to have some belief in the methods she uses but with me it just works, not only do I feel better physically but somehow she always helps with the emotional side as well. I left her clinic with a clarity which I didn’t have when I went it (and a very heartfelt hug as usual) and some instructions on how to help myself improve the thyroid function on a day to day basis. This lady has made such a difference to me on so many occasions and was indeed pivotal in setting the ball rolling all those years ago which got me to where I am now.

To complete my day when I arrived back from Bunbury Denise was at home waiting for me. We talked for a long time about my day and how lucky I am to have all these wonderful people caring for me. Having such a beautiful person as Denise to tell about the day was the perfect ending, needless to say I slept much better last night, my head was clearer, my body less aching and ready for a big day today preparing for a busy weekend at Nannup.

In August this year I wrote a post about my ticking off by both my GP and H, my psychologist for coming off Tamazepam without first consultating the GP. During the following appointment with H she talked to me about the differences I would experience once the drug in Tamazepam had completely gone from my system. One of them concerned dreaming and how I was likely to experience much deeper dreams and much more frequent ones and she has been proved right. I now dream almost every night, mostly pleasant dreams but somehow things went very astray last night.

We went to bed at around 10.30 as usual and I very soon fell asleep. We are both waking early in the mornings as it’s light at around 5am but this morning I didn’t stir much when Denise went for her walk, I must have gone back to sleep pretty quickly and somehow resumed the dream I was in, or more to the point the nightmare. I woke up in a hospital bed with tubes and wires connected to me, it was all very strange but my ex wife was sat at the bedside, she was overjoyed to see me awake but for me it was a nightmare I had woken up to. I asked where Denise was? She was confused and asked who Denise was and kept calling me Robin. I could hardly lift my head but I asked to look in a mirror, I was still Robin, I couldn’t believe it, I hardly recognised myself. All I saw was a very much older version of the photo I keep in my handbag which I look at when things aren’t going as well as planned so I can see how far I’ve come in the last two years. How could it all have been a dream? My ex wife told me I’d been in a coma for several years after an accident and although I was ok physically she said the doctors were unsure if I would remember anything. I told her that was the problem, I remembered it all including all the ups and downs of my transition to Stephanie. She asked me who Stephanie was and that was when I woke up, trust me the first thing I did was to jump out of bed and look at myself in the mirror to make sure it had all been a dream and my blissfully happy life as Stephanie was the reality. Thankfully it was all as I expected and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. What a nightmare!

 

Yesterday as I touched upon in my last post, a very good friend (Gary) brought his tractor equipped with a back hoe to Nannup to dig a 600 mm deep trench from the shed to the house in order to get the power across. The distance was probably not much more than twenty meters but it would have been a long and tough job to dig it by hand as the top had a very hard crust on it. Unfortunately we had a bit of a mishap with a rainwater pipe which we didn’t know was there but thankfully it was easily fixed. It was a long day as there were several other jobs which needed doing while he was there including burying some concrete which the man who did the slab left in I heap next to the wood pile. All in all it was a very satisfying day which allowed the electrician to come today to connect the power.

As my Amarok is heavier and more powerful than Gary’s Ute I offered to pick  him up and tow the car trailer with the tractor on behind my car. The journey there and back gave us plenty of time to put the world to rights and talk about a number of things which are dear to us as we have very similar views on a lot of subjects. Not long after we set off home Gary came up with a very apt comment, he said to me “you really have got the best of both worlds haven’t you, when you want to you can dress up in lovely clothes, have your hair and makeup done and do girly things but you can also spend time playing with (and for want of a better word) boys toys and do all the things you used to enjoy before transitioning” he was right on the money, I certainly do have the best of both worlds in so many ways and I class myself as a bit of a hybrid because I still have most of my strength, my “think outside the box” mentality and the ability/opportunity to do lots of things that most ladies don’t. Indeed my psychologist thinks I have an unhealthy relationship with my chainsaw but for me it’s just natural. If you look up the definition of the word hybrid in a dictionary it says taking the best of two or more technologies and combining them, it’s exactly how I feel and for me it’s perfect. It makes me realise just what a lucky girl I am!

Over the last few months a number of things have combined to make a considerable improvement in my wellbeing. Two new GPs, a naturopath who I must confess I didn’t really take on my first visit but has risen incredibly in my estimations since then, the physio and his crystals and the start of a relationship with one of the local realestate companies which is working very well have all combined to make a big difference to my positivity. My psychologist has also had a good effect as in the last couple of visits we have used a slightly different method in making sure we talk about things pertinent on that day instead of getting sidetracked as often happens. Each element has made a contribution and while they might all have given a small percentage, combined they have made a big difference. It started with the first of the GPs who suggested I see the naturopath, then second GP who I went to because she has a small amount of experience with transgender patients. She has certainly looked at things in a different way to my original GP including sending me for a perineal ultrasound. This did a fantastic job of putting my mind at rest over a number of issues. Then someone else suggested I see the crystal guru and although you need a massive leap of faith I’m sure he has made an improvement in the pain I was in. The icing on the cake has been the relationship with the realestate people, I am now getting regular jobs from them which has certainly improved my self esteem and confidence. All of this has massively improved my PMA. While I have always been very much a half full girl this has boosted my mental attitude immensely. When I was in the car trade I was always the one who would find a reason to do a deal rather than a reason not to do (believe it or not I’ve worked with several people over the 32 years in the trade who would search high and low for a reason not to do a deal rather than a reason to do it which I always found bizarre!) and that attitude has helped a great deal in working through the problems I have faced over the last 18 months. The benefit of a positive mental attitude cannot be underestimated, at the moment I’m spending most of my time on the hypothetical cloud nine, very thankful for being where I am but most of all, and this is massive, thankful to all the people who have got me to this stage. My angels if you like! Most of all I am incredibly thankful to Denise, without her none of this would have been possible as I would still be Robin on the outside but with Stephanie stuck inside trying to break free of my male status. A very lucky girl indeed!

 

 

As the festive season is approaching fast we are under pressure to make the house at Nannup habitable so we can at least spend some time there over the holiday. With that in mind we have made good progress this week. On Thursday the tiler came and screeded the floors in all the wet areas and showed me how to do the waterproofing once the screeding had dried. Our task for the weekend was to complete the said waterproofing and prime the rest of the walls which are to be tiled in order for him to return this week to make a start with the tiling itself. The job of doing the waterproofing is not difficult but quite hard on the back and knees. All the edges which join the screeding with the walls which are lined with villaboard need to have a special mesh applied then three coats of the waterproofing paint which is very thick and not the easiest thing to apply. Special care needs to be taken around the drains and in the corners but I’m happy that the job has been done well and that it won’t leak.

Next weekend a very good friend is going to bring his tractor which has a back hoe on it and dig the trench for the electricity cable so we can be connected up and have light, heat and cooling once the aircon units have been fitted. As a matter of urgency I need to get on with the skirtings and door frames so we can choose carpets and other floor coverings and get on with the kitchen benches. Almost all the kitchen units are built and most are fitted onto the wall but as yet we have no bench tops organised so there is much to do!

I have now owned property in Nannup for over ten years. The first property was a three acre block further along the Valley development which my partner and I bought with a view to building something on but somehow it never progressed and we decided to sell it and buy something with some sort of house on it so we could at least use it as a weekender if we wanted so we bought a property on Walter street with a very old and dilapidated timber house on it which in reality was too far gone for my skills in renovations but it gave me many happy hours tending to it and making it the best possible for its condition. While we still owned the first property we met an English couple who had built just up the road from the block we owned. I think the English thing meant we had a connection and we met them several times. Their property is now fully planted up and you can see the massive amount of work which has gone into it, it looks a picture and we comment on it every time we go to our block. I have thought ever since I transitioned that I should simply drive up to the house and reacquaint myself with them but in all honesty I didn’t really have the courage to do that so every time I drive past I look to see if either of them is working in the garden and lo-and-behold, today it happened. I had already driven past so turned the car around and parked just outside the gate. As I walked up the drive I felt quite nervous, partly because in all honesty I couldn’t remember either of their names. I was soon confronted by the man who asked if he could help me. I had rehearsed what I was going to say but in the moment forgot most of it. After some searching questions I revealed who I used to be and he said he thought he recognised me but hadn’t quite got there. We were then joined by his wife, I pretty much came right out with it to her so as not to repeat myself. They were both pleased to see me and asked if I had time for a drink. I had Bella in the car so initially I declined but it was soon agreed that I would drive the car round the back and leave it in the shade with the windows down so she didn’t get too hot. We sat on the veranda and I told my story, it was a lovely reunion which I hadn’t expected today but just another example of how supportive people are of me. I’m sure it won’t be as long before we meet again and I know they will get on well with Denise. Lovely people and a lovely end to the weekend!

 

Over the last couple of weeks I have through both my work and the house build come into contact with lots of new people. For some the whole concept of a female Handy person takes a little getting to grips with but through explaining even a small part of my story all of them have had similar reactions. The first reaction is usually a “oh wow, what a story” and the more I tell them the more “oh wows” I get. Many seem surprised how open I am and how willing I am the reveal my transgender status for some reason, I am very proud of what I’ve done, what I’ve achieved and who I am and it’s as simple as that.  I also love telling my story to new people, I love to watch their reactions especially when I get to the difficult part of it when I learn that I was born intersex and modified at birth, a small matter that my parents opted not to share with me at any point. There are often tears and I am regularly asked if I’m happy now, I think the answer to that is pretty obvious but I always reiterate it with a huge smile on my face.

Much of my work at the moment is coming from one of the realestate offices in town. It started a bit by accident when I was asked to do some repairs for a very good friend of mine who has his house managed by them. I wasn’t overly impressed at the start as getting hold of one of the tenants seemed like very hard work indeed but as I have now got to know the system a little better and the the girls who run it very professionally the work is coming in thick and fast so long may it continue.

The house at Nannup is coming on as well, there’s lots still to do but at least things are happening. It’s nice to see the kitchen taking shape and the bathrooms and wet areas will hopefully be tiled within the next few weeks. We would love to spend even part of Christmas there as it will be magical so it’s all hands on deck to get it to a position where we can spend time there. I have gone to a great deal of hard work getting the block to a standard where if the worst happens and there is a bush fire then hopefully the fire will go either side of the block and the house will remain unaffected, well that’s the plan anyway. Continue reading “Concepts, explanations and reactions”

Today I had my third visit to the physio with a difference and each time I go I learn a little bit more about the technique and how it works. My crystal this week is Rose Quartz, I’m told it is a very feminine crystal which is used to help the emotional side of me catch up with the ever improving physical side of me. Now which ever way you look at it you definitely need to have an open mind and a leap of faith but I can honestly say I am feeling the benefit after just two weeks of treatment so long may that continue. What makes it even better is the fact the the said physio is such a kind, unassuming and interesting person who is happy to explain how things work and what to expect from the crystal of the week, how long to leave it there and what to look for as a sign to remove it. It’s all very fascinating.

After my morning visit it was off to Nannup where I was to meet with the tiler who was busy building the two shower hobs and screeding the floors of the showers so they get a chance to fully dry before next week when I will be doing the water proofing. We have been either very blessed or very lucky with the tradies we have chosen to help with the house build. The tiler called on Saturday to say he had some spare time and could he do the showers and brick the bath side today which meant the bath needed to be fitted beforehand. I had a full week booked with one job or another so wasn’t going to get over there to fit the bath before today, enter the plumber! A text was sent on Sunday morning followed by a return phone call on Sunday evening from him confirming that he could indeed do the job along with several others which would need doing at some point which would make the journey worthwhile and all was completed by Monday afternoon, you just can’t fault service like that!

Next one on the list was the electrician, another tradie who is there when he says he will be, is helpful and easy to work with and so tidy, never leaves a mess. So we have made real progress this week and have a plan for the next few weeks which should see us well on the way to being able to spend the festive season or at least some of it there and there in comfort.

During a conversation with the physio last week when he was asking me about my journey and the various people who have looked after me both medically and mentally over the last two years he made the comment that I had surrounded myself with angels and that is exactly how I feel. I have been so well cared for, a comment that I made to another very good friend who told me that you “reap what you sow” I told her I didn’t remember sowing any of this but it seems we are being looked after in the same way by the people we have chosen to assist us at Nannup, it’s all very humbling!